How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie is a classic and one of the best books on achieving success with people. It has stood the test of time and is very helpful if we learn from it and apply its teachings in our daily lives.
This article will highlight some essential life lessons from this book, based on my understanding as an entrepreneur, father, and coach to managers and executives. I have picked out 15 points from the book. For those who have time, reading the book is highly recommended.
1. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain
“Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves,” Carnegie writes. “Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts their sense of importance, and arouses resentment.”
In other words, when we criticize or condemn another person, it would hurt them emotionally. We want people to be without any bad feelings toward us, especially when they are in a position of power over us. So when we are criticized or condemned, our first instinct is to defend ourselves and prove the other person wrong. In this defensive mode, we forget about listening actively and considering different perspectives.
In contrast, if we apply the opposite approach, saying only positive things to people will make them feel sincere appreciation. Carnegie explains how he “wooed and won” his wife of more than 50 years using this technique. It is even better if the positive things are specific rather than general.
2. Forget about putting other people down
While you might have been taught to put other people down to make yourself look better, this approach is counterproductive. “A man convinced against his will agrees still,” Carnegie says.
In a study that Carnegie quotes from, a person’s positive feelings toward another person increase if they compliment them first. By complementing others rather, we achieve the following results:
a. Others will listen more attentively to us, instead of being defensive or ignoring us. We are more likely to get what we want from people deep down if they like us first rather than disliking us.
b. Our positive feelings toward others increase because we feel important when someone compliments our good qualities.
c. We become liked more by others because they know we do not go around putting them down.
d. Others will see us as friends and allies rather than enemies to be defeated at all costs. It makes it easier for them to cooperate with us when necessary.
3. Let other people feel important
We should try to let other people feel important because everyone likes to feel appreciated. However, it is not our job to make other people look good; instead, it is our job to help each other be as successful as possible.
“Remember that a person’s name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language,” Carnegie says. And then he quotes Mark Twain, saying, “The two most important things in your life are your own name and the name of the woman you married.”
Everybody alive wants to be necessary. Nobody wants to be considered unimportant or unworthy. We are all hungry for appreciation because it makes us feel significant, respected, and worthy. But sometimes we are too busy to pay attention to the people around us. We take them for granted even though they are essential.
“The sweetest sound in all language is praise,” Carnegie says. “It’s the simplest, cheapest thing in the world, yet it has more value than anything else you can give another person.”
4. Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely
Jack Nicklaus once said that winning is not everything; he just wants to make sure that he beats somebody. It is one thing to want to be the best in your field, but it is an entirely different matter when you begin taking pleasure in making others look worse than you.
Remember that the other person is essential, and make them feel important in a sincere way. Do not give insincere compliments or flattery to gain something from the other person.
5. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
Carnegie says this means we should remain silent when we disagree with another person. We should not try to convince them that we are right and they are wrong. It is only when we stop talking and let the other person talk freely that we can learn from each other.
Carnegie writes: “If there’s any way to get the best of an argument, this is it.” He further explains: “You will profit from a suggestion, offered by a member of the faculty at Adelphi University, that each student spends an hour a week for nine weeks in trying to fool his classmates about some matter of fact. The student is not to reveal that he has been fooled until the end of the hour.”
6. A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall
In other words, use positive actions to get what you want instead of resorting to negative or hostile behavior. We should avoid “sticking pins in people,” which means saying things that hurt them. We should not say things that can potentially elicit a negative response from the person who hears it.
For example, we should not start a sentence with “you always” or “you never.” Likewise, we should not exaggerate and say things like, “You make me so mad!” Instead, we should find something nice to say about everyone, even people we do not like.
7. If you’re wrong, admit it
We will be more successful if we can admit when we are wrong. We should also try to admit our mistakes quickly and emphatically. People will respect us for being humble and honest, even when it hurts. If nothing else, at least they will know that we dare to face our mistakes instead of denying them or hiding from our responsibilities.
8. If you’re right, stay calm
If we know we are right and just need to explain our position, we must keep calm and listen to others. It will help us understand them better and help them know us better as well. We should give people a chance to let off some steam before we explain our position.
“Anyone can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everyone’s power and is not easy,” Aristotle said. If we want to be successful, Carnegie says, we should be able to control our anger. We should not become angry when necessary, and if we do get angry, it should be for the right reasons.
9. Show respect for the other person’s opinion
It means that we have to listen to their side of the story before giving ours. There is a fine line between being overly submissive or overly aggressive. We want to dominate the conversation, but not because we are rude and do not show any courtesy toward the other person.
“I’m right.” “No, I’m right.” “I know I am; you don’t agree with me because you haven’t been in my position.” When people try to support their arguments with statements like this, the conversation usually becomes unproductive. We should not argue over who is right and who is wrong but instead work together for a solution that satisfies everyone’s needs.
10. No one likes to be criticized
Carnegie says criticism hurts our self-esteem and dignity. Criticism can make us feel bad about ourselves. When someone criticizes us, we should keep an open mind and realize that there may be some truth in what they are saying. We should not ignore the critique by explaining why it is wrong or refusing to discuss it further. If we can show our concern healthily, people will respect us more.
11. If you criticize, do it in private
Criticism is good every once in a while, Carnegie says, but not all the time. We need to know when enough is enough. We should not be too critical because they might become defensive and argumentative instead of open to new ideas. It does not help us if we criticize everyone and everything all the time. We need to be open-minded and consider other people’s interests as well as our own.
12. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
It means that we should not enter into any arguments or confrontations with anyone because winning an argument is no such thing. Instead, we should be more strategic about our decisions because most arguments are useless and pointless. An argument succeeds in making both people angrier with each other, but it does not solve any problems or settle any disputes.
13. A good way to get the best of an argument is to postpone it
We can benefit from an argument if we postpone it. So we should walk away from the conversation and come back to it after we have had the chance to calm down and think about what we want to accomplish.
14. How to win people to our way of thinking
The essential thing in getting others to see things our way is first for us to understand them. It means that we should put ourselves in their shoes and see things from their perspective. Understanding what they are feeling gives us a deeper insight into their thinking, which will help us figure out how best to approach them. Once we have the other person’s interest at heart, they are more likely to follow our advice or suggestions about doing something.
Conclusion: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
Carnegie writes that people like to be sold things that are in their own interests. Therefore, the more we can help them or show that we care, the more they want to work with us.
Interesting point of view, isn’t it? I hope you have enjoyed these 14 essential lessons from Carnegie’s How To Win Friends And Influence People. If you want to learn more about these and other lessons, I suggest you read the book.